Taming the Pre-Meeting Jitters: 3 Divorce Fears That Derail Clients (and How to Calm Them)
As a Collaborative professional, you’ve likely seen how anxiety can derail divorce meetings. When overwhelmed by fear, clients struggle to think clearly, communicate effectively, and make sound decisions. This can slow down the process, cause inconsistent participation, and lead to non-durable agreements that unravel later. By addressing 3 common sources of pre-meeting anxiety, you can help clients feel more confident and prepared—making the process smoother for everyone.
1. Fear of What Their Spouse Might Say
Many clients dread walking into a Collaborative meeting, terrified their spouse will make bold, intimidating statements, such as:
- “I’m not paying child support.”
- “I want full custody.”
- “I’ll only agree to a week-on, week-off schedule.”
Help your clients understand that what their spouse says is not the same as the final result of the Collaborative process. Reassure them that Collaborative divorce is designed to help both parties talk through options and compromise, even when strong opinions are expressed early on.
- Tip: Get curious about why your client is worried about their spouse saying something. Often, it is because they are afraid the professional team will believe them/take their side. Or it may be a fear that certain words will throw off the process. Help your client get to the root of their fear so that it can be directly addressed.
- Tip: Encourage clients to prepare emotionally by role-playing or mentally rehearsing (with you, their individual coach or therapist) how they’ll respond if their spouse makes upsetting statements. This helps them stay composed and avoid emotional reactivity during the meeting.
2. Fear of the “Cliff” Where Spousal Support Ends
Clients receiving spousal support often fixate on the day it stops, picturing it as a financial cliff they’ll fall off. This creates significant anxiety, especially when they don’t yet have a clear post-divorce financial plan. They may or may not talk about this topic unprompted, so it may fall to you to ask direct questions about their thoughts and feelings about the end of spousal support.
- Tip: Emphasize that there’s no “cliff” in Collaborative; rather, the process won’t end until both parties feel confident about their next steps and their ability to cover their expenses.
- Tip: Help clients reduce this fear by spending some 1-on-1 time with the team’s financial neutral to understand the clear, detailed income and expense scenarios. This gives clients a realistic picture of their post-divorce financial situation. You can also encourage them to work with an individual coach outside of the divorce process to develop a personalized plan for gradually increasing their income to meet their long-term needs and goals.
3. Fear of Missing Something Important
Many clients worry, “I don’t know what I don’t know.” They fear they’ll overlook a critical detail—like tax implications or hidden assets—that could impact their future.
- Tip: To counter this, clearly explain the divorce process, timeline, and key decisions using visual aids like diagrams or flowcharts (like 1, 2, 3). Seeing the roadmap helps clients feel more grounded.
- Tip: Encourage clients to keep a running list of questions. Suggest they review it with you, their individual coach, or a therapist to avoid feeling like they’re forgetting something crucial. If they aren’t sure where to start with questions, suggest that they use something like these 5 Questions to unearth their worries.
The Bottom Line
By helping clients address these common sources of anxiety, you empower them to approach meetings with greater clarity and confidence. When clients feel more in control, they’re better able to engage productively – leading to clearer communication, steadier decision-making, and more durable agreements.
Meg Gluckman
Meg Gluckman is a divorce & co-parenting coach specializing in working 1-on-1 with parents to navigate separation and divorce. She especially loves supporting parents who are using the Collaborative process.
