Of Seattle Divorce Services

One of our local Collaborative attorneys (and regular posters), Kevin Scudder, recently wrote a very interesting piece called My Apologies for the IACP (International Academy of Collaborative Professionals) blog.

In his article, Kevin recounts a recent experience where he broke his own vow to do no more litigation.  As these things do, a case came along that suckered him in.  He liked the client, he needed the money, and he thought he could work cooperatively with the other attorney.  Also as these things sometimes do, it didn’t work out as planned.

The case turned nasty and went to trial, including a fight over a three year old child.  Kevin talks about how hard it was to go back to litigation after having been out of it for some years.  About how it caused him to not even want to look at his email, how it dredged up the old harsher self, how bad it felt to be back in that world he had chosen to walk away from, to temporarily step away from his own strong values.  For doing so, he apologized to the the opposing counsel, his client, the Collaborative community, and most importantly, to himself.

For me, Kevin’s article reinforced how different Collaborative practice really is from litigation, and how much we are different people when we are Collaborating rather than litigating.  I know I have no desire to ever litigate a divorce case again, though I have the easy out of having litigators in my office who I can hand cases off to that are headed for court.  For me, the thought of taking on a litigation case is like thinking about a bad case of heartburn.  I just don’t want to feel that way again.

Kevin, I hope we can both finish our careers without ever having to fight again.  Good luck to you.

Eastside Mediation & Mental Health

I sat with the weeping pre-teen who swore she would never speak to her father again. I bore witness to her painful discovery that her father, the man she had idolized, had been unfaithful to her mother. This child, soon to be an adolescent, had prematurely discovered her father’s humanity. She could not reconcile her “perfect father” with the man whose girlfriend in Louisiana was sending him nude photographs of herself. The child’s grief was palpable, because in a single moment she had lost her ability to trust her perceptions and judgments of both her past and her future. She had believed her parents were happy and that her father was faithful and committed to their family. Most importantly, she had believed that they would always be a family, and she had felt certain of her future. She had lost her hero, her past, and her future in a moment of revelation: Her father was in love with another woman, and things would never be the same.

Too young to understand the complexity of relationships, or to be able to accept imperfections in those she had idolized, she dealt with her first trauma like most of the children I work with: She looked for someone else to blame and hurt to take her mind off of her own pain and despair. As a divorce therapist who works with children and adolescents to help them adjust to the trauma of losing the family cohesion upon which they had always relied, I know that children can survive this trauma and maintain healthy relationships with both parents. However, it is so much more difficult when the infidelity of a parent is involved and this information is shared with the children. The child initially wants to blame someone, and it is easier to do so when the parental relationship ends and involves a third person.

As a family mediator, I realize that people change. The man or woman you married ten years ago will definitely not be the same today. Their life experiences have left imprints on their mind, body, and soul, as have yours. Some couples weather life’s storms in ways that bring them close; others find themselves engulfed by the waves of disappointment and search for other ports in the storm. They are afraid to, or unwilling to, confront their differences, complicating the reality that their marriage has been over for a very long time.

All relationships have a beginning and an end. Some end by death, others by decision. Family members, who witnessed your commitment in the beginning, are often willing to support your decision to end your relationship. Your children will resist the decision to change their family, but they will learn to accept your decision in time without long-term emotional or psychological trauma, if the process for change is done responsibly.

For the children, family members and the spouse to move on, the couple must mediate new boundaries, negotiate new beginnings, and collaborate for the benefit of their children. Unfortunately, the anger and despair caused by an affair can inhibit a parent’s ability to be mindful of the needs of their children. In midst of the pain parents, too often, seek revenge, instead of accepting responsibility for their acts and statements that opened the door to the end of the relationship, control over the children rather than recognizing their need for balance in time, connection, and support of each parent. And spend money they can ill afford, when those resources are needed in both separate households. Despite the irresponsible behaviors that may have led to the decision to divorce, for the sake of your children, I encourage you to make a responsible decision about the how you will end your relationship. Collaborative Divorce, and Transformational Mediation, both provide a safe place for parents to express themselves, work towards healing, and to build a fair foundation to support the trust and respect the co-parenting relationship requires.

By Loretta Story
President, King County Collaborative Law

Now that the Governor has signed the Uniform Collaborative Law Act into law we have a number of new opportunities.

Opportunities

Collaborative Law is now a legitimate process to resolve disputes. Attorneys in all areas of practice will need to know and understand what the collaborative law process is. Most likely they will be looking to those of us that have practiced Collaborative Law to assist them, provide CLEs, mentor them and work beside them as they learn this new process (new to them, common place to us). Additionally the word will spread to the clients that Collaborative Law is available with all of its attributes to resolve disputes and work through a lawsuit. The opportunities for those of us that are already trained and practicing Collaborative Law is exciting. It can mean more clients. It can also mean more opportunities for us as professionals. And it can mean more potential members for KCCL which provides services for those trained members. We encourage you to find what opportunities match best with you personally and get more involved.

Court Rules

As many of you know, the Board of Governors has circulated proposed court rules for comment. These rules will supplement the statute as passed in Washington. The Legislative Committee for KCCL will be looking at the proposed rules and making comments. If you would like to have input please contact one of the committee members or the Legislative Committee chair, Mark Weiss, to provide your input or work on the committee.

Ad Hoc Committee

The Board authorized a new short term committee to be appointed to discuss and create a recommendation for the KCCL Board as to ways KCCL can support new professionals entering into Collaborative Law as well as how ways that KCCL could support its members to their advantage. Please let me know if you would be interested in serving on this committee.

Congratulations

I would like to take this opportunity to thank each and every member that has played a part in the passage of the UCLA. In particular, I would like to thank Mark Weiss in his endless efforts to channel our efforts, resources and the Legislative Committee in such a productive manner. We will now and forever get to realize the impact of this historical event. Thank You, Mark, and all the members of your committee. Thank you to each and every member that contributed time, money, wrote letters and testified. Everyone has played a significant part.

By J. Mark Weiss
Chair, KCCL Legislative Committee

It’s official! This morning at 11:10 a.m., Washington State Governor Jay Inslee signed into law the Uniform Collaborative Law Act, making Washington the seventh state to enact the UCLA. Washington’s version of the UCLA applies to all civil actions, including family law. The new law becomes effective on July 28.

This fantastic result was due to the work of many, including Rep. Jamie Pedersen, the UCLA’s highly supportive prime sponsor.

The campaign was spearheaded by King County Collaborative Law, through its legislative committee. While all members of the committee contributed greatly, as committee chair I’d like to give special kudos to Mary Sakaguchi, Sara Wahl, and Mike Fancher, who made many trips to the Bar offices and to Olympia and helped in so many other ways, and to our fantastic professional lobbying team, Al Aldrich and Joanie Deutsch. The efforts of several practitioners from Eastern Washington (including Dena Allen, Gerri Newell, Jamie Llewelyn and others) and Courtney Story from Bellevue helped save the bill in the Senate. Testifying before the legislature on our behalf included John Burke (who drove 5 hours each way from Spokane), Kristin Little, Steve Fisher, Angela Lee, Jessica Jensen, and others who are mentioned above. All–you did amazing work we can all be proud of!

Finally, thanks to Collaborative Professionals of Washington Board for its financial and organizational support, to the KCCL Board for its courage and taking on the needed fund raising, and to the many the Collaborative practitioners across Washington who are not named here, but who responded again and again to write and call their legislators and to generously support this effort. We greatly appreciate you all.

Now it’s time to celebrate and expand the practice!

Several King County Collaborative Law members attended the signing ceremony in Olympia. They represent the many KCCL members who worked hard to make the UCLA a reality for Washington citizens.

For details, see the Governor’s Bill Action page showing his action signing SHB 1116 into law. For it’s course through the legislature see the bill’s tracker page.

Update: The UCLA was assigned session law number: Chapter 119, Laws of 2013: Uniform Collaborative Law Act (pdf).

The first she calls “Put The Oxygen Mask On YOURSELF First“.  This means dealing with your own hurt and trauma so that you can better be present for your children and their best interests.  When you are so hurt you can’t see straight, it is that much harder to make the right decisions.

The second is “Free Yourself From Being Emotionally Hijacked“.  Cat talks about the need to find ways to interact rather than overreact, and offers ideas on how to get to the place where that is possible.  To me, this means finding a distance, space to breathe, and letting things be just a little less personal.

Third is “Keep Your Kids Out Of The Crossfire“.  So often kids become the battleground in a divorce.  Cat looks at what is protection vs what is simply revenge.

Fourth is “Stand-Up and Get Your Message Across“.  Communicating clearly can help you feel more in control.  This includes setting aside defensiveness, setting clear boundaries, and staying open minded.

The fifth is “Put An End To Power Struggles“.  Cat suggests that to move from right-wrong to win-win, we have to pick our battles wisely, focus on mutual goals and solutions, and employ a stepped approach to problem solving.

And finally, the sixth is “Replace The Battleground With A Sanctuary“.  It is important to create a plan for your post divorce life that allows you to move on and let the wounds heal.  Continuing to pick at the scabs doesn’t help.

If you would like to talk to Cat about how she can help you implement these strategies, you can email her at clientcare@parentingwithyourex.com.

By Mike Fancher

at Seattle Divorce Services

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In a recent article Dallas reporter Bill Hethcock noted that Billionaire T. Boone Pickens recently completed his own divorce using a Collaborative process.  From the article:

The collaborative approach saves both money and emotional wear and tear on families, the energy tycoon told me.

“Collaborative law keeps everything on a high level, and everybody cooperating,” Pickens said.

I asked him how much the collaborative approach saved him?

“Money?” he deadpanned. “About $100 million.”

He cracked a smile and revised his answer to “several million.”

Pickens is such a believer in the process that he gave the Collaborative Law Institute of Texas $100,000.

While a Collaborative approach may not save money in every case (working through divorce issues is not fast or easy no matter what process is used), it can help the parties cooperate to avoid needless litigation and speed up the exchange of relevant information.  And certainly a main focus of Collaboration is, as Mr. Pickens pointed out, to save emotional wear and tear on families.

When the parties are encouraged to emphasize cooperation rather than conflict, and have the support of a professional team dedicated to doing so, there tends to be much less getting sidetracked, which means that time can be used more efficiently to make progress through the issues that really matter.

We thank Mr. Pickens for choosing this approach, and for be willing to speak publicly about it.

Just some of the UCLA supporters

This past week an important hearing was held in the Washington State Senate on Washington’s version of the Uniform Collaborative Law Act (SB 1116).  Senator Mike Padden of Spokane Valley scheduled the hearing before the Senate Law & Justice Committee, which will hopefully be passing the bill out of Committee very soon.

A number of speakers from around the state testified in support of the bill, with one speaker even calling in from Walla Walla to testify.  The testimony that was given included some powerful stories.

John Burke of Spokane told about several cases that he had worked on.  He told about one couple that came into the divorce in serious conflict.  However, the conflict lessened as they worked through their divorce issues, to the point that after a settlement had been reached in their case, they celebrated by going out to dinner together!  He also talked about another couple that although they were in a divorce, held hands through the process, and in the end after they had been able to air their issues out in the calm and supportive atmosphere of the Collaborative process, chose to reconcile rather than complete the divorce.

Kristen Little spoke about her own divorce, and how glad she was that they had chosen the Collaborative process.  She admitted that she went in angry, not very sure she wanted to be cooperative at all.  In the end, however, she was thrilled at how much better off the whole family was, even though divorced.  She and her ex-spouse were able to move ahead as highly cooperative co-parents to their child, which will yield positive benefits for years to come.

Steve Fisher testified that after working as a divorce attorney for 36 years, he is completely disillusioned with the litigation process, and feels that his Collaborative clients end up very much better off.  He hopes that we can move towards settling all divorce cases without litigation, and believes this bill is an important step in that direction.

We thank Senator Padden for holding this hearing so these stories could be told, and look forward to this bill becoming law in the very near future!

By Mike Fancher

at SeattleDivorceServices.com

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While you can handle your divorce yourself, there are also many costly mistakes you can make doing so. From helping you understand the potential consequences of decisions, to drafting the legal documents correctly, to reducing needless conflict that could impact you and your children for years, divorce professionals can help you get through the process in the best way possible.

In the Collaborative divorce process, you will typically work with a team that includes both attorneys and other divorce professionals. They are there to not only help you understand and make decisions about the legal issues, but also to help you plan a workable financial future, defuse conflict with your spouse so that you can reach agreements, and calmly discuss parenting arrangements that will serve the best interests of your children.

Collaborative divorce attorneys believe it is better to reduce conflict than to escalate it. Typical divorce process involves staking out positions and then defending those positions against attacks by the other side. In Collaborative process, however, the professionals focus on helping the couple avoid positioning and instead help them create options for solutions that address their goals and concerns. Sometimes we call this developing the Key Elements for Agreement, which really just means defining what is most important to each party so we know what any agreement needs at a minimum to accomplish. Once we know that, we can examine the best ways to accomplish those goals for both spouses.

This might leave you asking “Do I really need a team for a divorce?”  We believe that we get the best results when we let different professionals all do what they do best, rather than having one person try to do it all.  Just as building a skyscraper involves architects, carpenters, steelworkers,  plumbers, electricians, and others, putting a divorce settlement together calls on different skill sets as well.  A divorce attorney’s skills focus on the legal aspects of the divorce.  The attorney is not necessarily the best person to advise you on finances, to help you work on communication issues with your spouse, or to provide you with information about children’s developmental needs.

By Kristen Little

at KristinLittleCounseling.com

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Many people choose Collaboration because they believe it is a kinder, gentler way to divorce. Collaborative divorce may be offered as a gesture of goodwill by one or both partners in an attempt to convey a desire to limit the conflict and harm to their family in the divorce process. Beyond that, most people have little idea of what the Collaborative process actually entails, what will be asked of them as clients and the reasons behind many of the guidelines that the Collaborative process follows. That was certainly true for me as I began my journey through divorce. Yes, I did read and sign the contract, I did get detailed explanations from the attorneys and other team members. Yet grief and fear took much of my energy and I found myself fumbling through the initial meetings with little awareness of what commitment to the process of Collaboration actually meant and what gifts it would provide.

Only after the divorce and with several years of hindsight do I finally have a fuller, clearer grasp of how Collaboration works, understand its “rules” and appreciate how the process it enabled us to succeed and the ways in which we at times, inadvertently derailed our progress. My family’s story is not everyone’s story, but if it can help demystify the process, help bring some clarity for those who are frustrated or doubting, or help those considering Collaboration decide if it is the path for their divorce process, I will gladly offer the lessons that I have learned.

1. Your Attorneys and team members will provide the structure, but you and your partner are tasked with making the important decisions. The attorneys and other professionals will not tell you what to do. They may give you a general range of possibilities, but they won’t tell you directly what is “fair” and what you would be entitled to if you were in a litigation process and promise you settlements. Initially this was madness to me as I had an intense desire to know what I should “get”. My life was in chaos, I had no solid ground on which to envision the future and desperately wanted something to quell my every-growing panic. Several times in the process, when my energy and faith were depleted, I was tempted to find a lawyer who would give aggressively “protect” me and confidently offer me assurances. However, what the Collaborative attorneys wisely knew was that making promises or offering solutions would inevitably short-circuit the essential process of turning towards my partner to make the decisions that affected our family. They knew asking a dozen litigation attorneys would lead to a dozen different answers and that doing so would only serve to increase my anxiety and confusion. Instead they watched and safeguarded our process to create the right conditions for negotiating such as equal power and voice and at times offering reality checks when needed – instead of giving us the easy out of relying on experts rather than ourselves. In your Collaborative divorce you may be prodded to speak, you may be encouraged to listen and your team will help you to find that level playing field which is the essential ingredient for a durable, respectful, and successful agreement.
2. Entering Collaborative divorce does not assume you and your partner are in agreement.  In fact you may often disagree strongly or even be diametrically opposed in terms of what you want and what you believe to be a reasonable settlement.  On several occasions my partner and I dug in our heels and refused to move. For my part, I asserted that I alone was tasked in protecting our child and that his father either agreed with me or was not sufficiently interested in the welfare of our child. He rightly rejected this idea, but I only came down from my high ground when I was good and ready. We argued, I raged, we both questioned if we could honestly find a way to bridge the divide and come to agreement. Through all of this, the team continued to move us forward with compassion, sensitivity and great amount of skill. In time I began to trust that with support, my partner was capable of hearing me, and I him. I developed a greater awareness of his deep commitment to fatherhood and he learned to listen and understand my profound fear, which led to a fierce need to protect our son.  I learned to ask for and give respect, as did he, which marked the beginning of our transformation. It was often not graceful or well mannered. Yet at every step of the way the team supported us to keep trying, challenged our inflexibility, explained the realities of divorce and brought us to place that we truly doubted existed – compromise and agreement. The lesson gained was it was the difficult process itself that created the changes in relationship patterns, increased our skills and engendered our trust and confidence in working together as a team.
3. The team will discourage you from getting outside information from other professionals and will withdraw their services if you choose to litigate your divorce. It may sound harsh, but it is an essential component for maintaining a transparent, honest, consistent working relationship with your partner and team. Bringing in other voices raises anxiety, corrupts the level playing field between partners, decreases trust and engenders conflict. However it is completely normal and expected that there might be a time where you want to find a lawyer to “fight” for you or listen to your many friends well-intentioned advice on how to “win”. Many times the idea of hiring a protector, to powerfully assert my beliefs, wants and needs instead of having to deal directly with a man with whom I had a history of frustration, anger and distrust was very tempting. Luckily I reconsidered realizing the heady feeling of power would be gone upon settlement and that I would then be left facing a partner with little skills, little understanding and most likely a fair amount of anger and resentment.
4. You can choose your collaborative team members. There are Attorneys, Divorce Coaches, Child Specialists and Financial Specialists among others.  You have the final say, but the team has some important insights into what works well. Attorneys will use their legal expertise to advise you and create accurate and legally sound decisions and documents. Divorce Coaches work to help you manage your emotions, stay focused on important tasks and redefine your relationship from a couple to individuals, and help you build new communication and relationship skills. The Child Specialist will provide education on children’s developmental needs and offer your children a voice that you can use to make important family decisions while still protecting their childhood though the divorce process. Your Financial Specialist can assist you in accurately representing your current financial status and creating possible scenarios and projections as you problem solve your financial future. There are other professionals that can be retained for special needs and can be referred to you by your team. Still it is your divorce and your decision as to whom you feel can best to assist you in meeting your family’s needs.
5. Your team members won’t keep important secrets. Kind of unnerving for sure, but it became strangely comforting. I felt there was a whole room of people who bore witness to my struggles and eventually shared in our success. Your team members will all begin to know you and your story. Not only are there many professionals working for you, they work together as well. They challenge and support each other, bringing a whole new level of expertise and awareness to your family’s struggle. The miscommunications, the one-sided view or aggression between professionals is instead replaced with a holistic and compassionate view of you as an individual and your family as a whole. Sometimes they alone hold the future focus for your family and instill hope when you are most in need. You’ve most likely only experienced divorce once, they on the other hand know the landscape, the landmarks that await you and act as reliable guides through the often, difficult journey.
6. Clients have great power to either hinder or help the process. In my divorce there were several times we got way off-track. The common thread was a disclosure that probably should not have been made or an event that gave rise to one of our respective worst-fear scenarios (aka “Our child is going to be ruined” or “I’m going to be bankrupt”). Our fragile trust was shattered and each time we had to work our way back. Keeping “surprises” and stressors to a minimum are highly recommended if you want to save yourself time, money and suffering. Unexpected stress often leads to one party getting “triggered”, falling into emotional thinking and diminishing their ability for rational thought and decision making. Usually when one goes, the other follows and thus begins the descent into chaos and conflict.  This is a time to mind your P’s and Q’s. It is not the time to flaunt the idea of dating, other partners or be inconsistent or unreliable with the agreements you make. It’s not the time to stash away a little rainy day fund without the knowledge of your partner. It’s not the time to be late or change scheduled plans with your kids without advance notice and agreement. Move slowly and predictably, be as clear and transparent as possible. Own your emotions and if you hurt, apologize. Simple, not always easy, but very worth it in the end.

I now am a professional team member with Collaborative divorce because I passionately believe it is good for families and feel the benefits are overwhelming. As a client, know that your team will support you and sometimes push you, not because you are wrong for feeling what you feel or wanting what you believe is best, but because we have an idea of where you are now and where you want to arrive. We as Collaborative professionals are comfortable with big feelings, big anger and immense sadness. We work in that difficult space with you and for you and for your family as a whole. In the end the benefits of Collaboration are much more than a  “fair” or “winning” settlement. It is bearing witness to your story, guiding you with skill and compassion and in the end helping you and your partner lead your family towards the positive future you envision.

Kristin Little, LMHC is a counselor in private practice in the Seattle area. She is an active member of King County Collaborative Law as a Collaborative Divorce Child Specialist and can be contacted thorough her website at kristinlittlecounseling.com